I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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