if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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