I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
