Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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