How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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