Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
