Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
