Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize