So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
