The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
