What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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