My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
