Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You are a genius and a whore.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
