You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
