Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
