if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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