he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
