What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I want her autograph on my taint
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
