shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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