First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize