i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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