she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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