My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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