Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize