How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
