before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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