so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Randomize
