Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
