new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
