I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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