I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I think I just sharted jello shots
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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