why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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