you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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