I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize