Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
