Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
