ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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