My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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