How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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