Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
