bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
