By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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