I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize