how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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