I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
50% drunk capacity currently
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
