I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I stole a fireplace last night.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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