if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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