Tell her she can't have a vagina
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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