in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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