now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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