Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
