I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
