he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Dignity is for republicans.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
