God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize