Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
