i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
