All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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