Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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