I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
They should really pass out barf bags in church
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
