I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
