this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
