i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
