im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize