Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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