That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
