We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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