Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
