Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
