I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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